


Dinner Party

by violently_knits



Category: The Office (US), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves Lives, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Crossover, Dave Lives (Umbrella Academy), Mentioned Reginald Hargreeves, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:28:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23212528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violently_knits/pseuds/violently_knits
Summary: Based on the season four episode of The Office. "Dinner Party."
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Dave/Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch, Vanya Hargreeves/Leonard Peabody
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	Dinner Party

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Diego really is nothing like Michael Scott, I just think that makes this funnier and more ironic. They have very opposite energies. I do think Klaus is very much a Jim. I also imagine that Diego and Patch's relationship was this tumultuous before they broke it off. Enjoy!

It had been a long day already, and Reginald had everyone training and working round the clock to seemingly no end. Everyone had had enough, and Diego, appointing himself as leader, decided to do something about it.

"This is ridiculous." Five complained, slamming down a set of physics textbooks he was having to read through.

"Do you have any idea of what time we'll get out of here?" Ben asked pleadingly.

"Nobody likes to work late. Least of all me." Diego countered. He traipsed over to where Klaus was hiding off in a corner, trying to commune with someone in the room, Diego supposed. "Do you have plans tonight?"

"No, I don't." Klaus said, trying to go back and focus on his task at hand, but Diego kept looming over him. "Dad told us not to make plans cause we were training."

"Yes, I remember." Diego walked off towards the middle of the training room, always wanting to be the leader, and secretly wanting to be the center of attention to make up for the attention he lacked from Reginald as a child. "Mmm," he groaned, "this is BS. This is BS. Why are we here? I am gonna call Dad. Enough is enough. I'm-God, I'm so mad!" 

Diego went over to his trunk of knives, putting back the one he was holding, and picked up his phone. "This is Diego Hargreeves, the Umbrella Academy. Well, we don't want to work. No, we don't." By now, the others had all put away whatever they were working on to turn their attention to Diego, yelling at Dad on the phone, not able to hear the other end of the conversation. "It's not fair to these people. These people are my siblings and I care about them! We're not gonna do it!" Diego hung up and slammed his phone down on a table nearby.

"Everybody, I just got off the horn with Dad. And basically, I told him where he could stick his little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday." He waved his arm to usher them out of the training room. 

"Thank you, Diego." Five sighed, exhausted, and flashed out of the room.

"Alright, Happy Friday." In the background somewhere, Ben started clapping, but quickly stopped when he realized he was the only one.

"I think we dodged a bullet there." Diego said, sauntering back over toward Klaus.

"I think you did." Klaus feigned delight to appease his brother.

"I think we should celebrate. How about you, Dave, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?"

"Oh-I-" Klaus initiated an excuse when Diego interrupted him.

"You said you didn't have plans." Klaus twisted his head to face Diego, realizing what he had just done. "That's what you said."

XXXXX

"Diego has asked Dave and me to dinner at least nine times. And every time, we've been able to get out of it. But," Klaus sighed, "I've got to give him credit. He got me. Because, I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from Dad."

XXXXX

"Diego what time should I be arriving?" Vanya asked, following quickly behind Diego as he left the training room.

"Vanya, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses. So, it will be me and Eudora, and Dave and Klaus." Diego looked around for a fifth and sixth person to invite to avoid having to include Vanya. "And Luther and Allison."

"Hey-yo!" Luther cried cheerfully, pumping his fist in the air. Vanya looked at them with sad eyes. She was never included in anything in her whole life, and she thought that when they grew up and each of her siblings became their own person, that that would change. She thought wrong.

XXXXX

"Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Diego's dinner party?" Vanya scoffed. Then she sniffled, slowly weeping to herself.

XXXXX

Eudora and Diego opened the door to greet the first of their guests to arrive. "Hi!" Eudora sung.

"Hello." Diego chimed in, standing behind her.

"How are you?" Eudora asked, opening the door wider to allow Klaus and Dave to enter the house.

"Come on in." Diego said. "Good to see you."

"Chilly, huh?" Eudora began her feeble attempt at small talk.

"Good to see you." Diego awkwardly repeated as he went to hug Klaus.

"I'm so glad we finally, uh... finally got to do this with you guys." Eudora beamed.

"This is great." Klaus shoved his hands in his pockets as Diego awkwardly hugged Dave as well.

"You want to uh- you want to take their coats, babe?" Eudora asked Diego.

"Yes, I would."

"Okay." Eudora left the foyer of the house, away from all the commotion, and into the living room.

"So, what have you been doing?" Diego began his own small talk as well.

"Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago? I have been getting ready, and then driving over here." Klaus remarked.

"Well, we've been doing pretty much the same thing."

"Really?"

"Except the driving." Eudora laughed at Diego's joke.

"We got you this." Dave handed Eudora a bottle of red wine as a present. He was very polite, and always knew you should bring the host a gift at a dinner party as a thank you for being invited over.

"Oh, well, Dave, thank you."

"Oh, vino." Diego interjected. "Thanks."

"Tremendous. This will be great to cook with. Really." She left to go put the wine in the kitchen. Dave looked at Klaus begrudgingly. Did he have to really stay and endure this? Couldn't they find an excuse to leave as soon as possible? This was going to be torture, maybe even worse than Vietnam. The jury was still out.

"Have a seat, or come on in." Diego put on his hosting hat in Eudora's absence. "Or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa."

"Really nice." Dave commented.

Eudora came back from the kitchen to rejoin the conversation. "So, what do you guys think? Should we do the tour first? Should we have appetizers?"

"Tour. Let's do the tour first." Klaus answered.

"Okay." Eudora and Diego spoke simultaneously.

"You have a preference, babe? Upstairs first?" Eudora asked.

"Totally your call, babe."

"Alright, well... let's go then. I say upstairs."

"Oh..." Klaus said under his breath, following the couple up the stairs. He noticed a tarp on the other side of the living room covering a hole in the wall. "You guys doing a little construction?"

"Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door." Diego sighed.

"Yeah, so sorry about this god-awful carpet. We are still a work in progress here." Eudora apologized about the state of their condo. It was a fine-looking place. Klaus didn't really know what she had to be sorry for. It was much better than some of the holes in the wall that he'd lived in in the past.

"Well, that's..." Diego stammered. He wasn't going to argue with her. Eudora could be very stubborn and opinionated in a way that greatly annoyed Diego.

Eudora led them to the next floor up and down a hallway, opening one of the first doors. "This is my office."

"Yep. Never been used." Diego commented.

"Not super exciting."

"No."

She led them into another closed off room, adjacent to the one they had just been in. "And this is my workspace."

"This is it-check that out." Diego interjected again. "You see that?"

Klaus and Dave looked around on the walls, where lots of photos and news article clippings and sticky notes were arranged in seemingly no pattern. Dave nodded at Diego's question. 

"As you can see, there's a lot of different theories going on in here."

"So, you have an office and a workspace." Dave noted the ridiculousness of it all. Eudora seemed to have taken a run on the house. Diego's house.

"I do, you know. I just- I cannot think in the same space that I conduct business. I'm sure that you're the same way with your doodles." Eudora said, referencing Klaus's drawing "hobby" as everyone called it. "See." She pointed to one particular spot on the wall where she was thinking over a murder case, having lists of potential victims, evidence, and facts of the case.

"It's cool." Klaus said.

"Diego says I'm on fire. Like James Bond solving mysteries."

"Bond! James Bond! Fire! I am Bond Fire, James Bond Fire. Diego Hargreeves!" Diego clicked his tongue, making finger guns with his hands. Klaus and Dave stared at him weirdly after that sudden out-of-character outburst. Klaus noticed Eudora taking out her lucky rabbit's foot and rubbing it between her fingers, something she only did when something-or someone-was really getting on her nerves.

"When I get frustrated, or irritated, or... angry, I come up here and I just read over all my theories! And just- poof! Goes away."

"Just like that?" Klaus asked.

"Just like that." Eudora reiterated. She led them out of her workspace and continued the tour to their bedroom. "So, this is the master bedroom. And these walls, they used to be, like, white. Like an asylum. So, I wanted it to be softer, so I had it painted in eggshell white."

"Guess what? White and eggshell white are exactly the same color." Diego disclosed to Klaus, but Eudora heard him and laughed.

"Babe..."

"Exactly." Diego recounted to drive his point further.

"I thought you said you were gonna tidy things up." Eudora scolded, taking down a tripod and camera that were propped up and pointed towards their bed. Dave looked at Klaus as if to say, you're seeing this too, right?

"Well, I-" Diego started.

"Shame on you!" Eudora half-joked, slapping Diego's ass. He chuckled.

Dave wanted to change the subject desperately, so he commented on their lovely furniture. "What a cute bench."

"Thanks." Diego said. "That's my bed. Eudora has, uh, some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy."

"Really? Cause... seems pretty narrow. And short." Klaus analyzed Diego's poor excuse for a bed.

"It's actually a lot bigger than it seems." Diego defended his bench bed. "Look at this." Diego threw himself down on the bench, curling up into fetal position just to fit his legs on there.

"See?" Eudora pointed out. "He fits perfectly." There was a long awkward silence.

Diego continued the tour downstairs in the living room. "I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. I actually hung this on the wall myself." Diego gestured at the smallest TV that Klaus had ever seen mounted on the wall that hung just a few inches away from it.

"That's good." He lied. 

"I wanna show you something. A lot of people in the room, you need more space..." Diego took the plasma TV in both of his hands and pressed it further into the wall, pretty much and inch from where it originated. "Voila. Right into the wall."

"Wow." Klaus said sarcastically.

"Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it. I love this TV. Oh, and I also built this table." Diego directed their attention to what Klaus would barely call a table, that was positioned next to the couch at the end of the living room. Its four legs were all of uneven height, the base of it wasn't level enough to set anything down on it, and it wasn't even stained or painted. It was such an eyesore, not a table.

"What is that, chestnut?" Klaus tried humoring his brother. 

"No, I think that is either pine or Nordic cherry."

"It's pine, yeah." Eudora answered.

"Diego, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool."

"Really?" Eudora asked him.

"Yeah."

"Yeah, he tried to set up my TiVo for me, but then I didn't have audio for a week." Dave said. Eudora laughed a little too loud, like she was compensating for something.

"If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away." Diego offered.

Eudora stared him down. "I bet you are." She said passive aggressively. She stared back at Dave, almost threateningly, and he stood closer behind Klaus, hiding from her gaze. It didn't really work, however, because Klaus was just a few inches shorter than Dave. 

"Well, I saw-" Klaus said, looking around the room for something else to talk about. "Oh, your knives. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see."

"Well, it was between the neon boxing sign and the knives. So I said, 'Honey, keep the knives.'" Eudora explained.

"Oh, honey, I have the best trophy right here." Diego said, making Eudora awe. "Aside from my knives." Eudora hugged into his side. Suddenly the doorbell rang, directing her attention elsewhere. 

"Excuse us just a second."

"I'll get it!" Diego called out. They both left Klaus and Dave to stand in the middle of the living room speechless. This had been the weirdest visit to Diego's apartment that he'd ever experienced. He regretted not coming up with an excuse as to why he and Dave couldn't make it this time.

"So glad we were finally able to do this." Klaus heard Eudora say as she hugged around Luther's broad shoulders. Wasn't that pretty much the same thing she said when she greeted him and Dave?

"So glad-" Diego began as he stepped towards Allison to hug her as well.

"No. No." She put a hand out to stop him. He submitted.

"Seance!" Luther called out, noticing that Klaus had arrived before they did. "What's up, Seance? We gonna have a seance after dinner?" He turned his attention to Dave. "I bet you're sick of having a seance, right? Probably have a seance every night."

"Alright." Klaus said in an attempt to stop him.

"Seance." Luther had to say one more time. He loved code names. He pulled out a bouquet of flowers to give to Eudora. "These are for you."

"Oh, how thoughtful." She said, taking them.

"Very nice." Diego added.

"Except for one flower," Luther pulled a rose out of Eudora's bouquet, "which is for... my flower." He handed the rose to Allison.

She took it and waved it around in her hand. "What am I supposed to do with this?" Eudora laughed awkwardly.

"Let me take this." Diego said, pulling Luther's overcoat off his shoulders and taking it in his arms.

"How 'bout we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner?" Eudora asked Diego.

"Oh, I can help starting dinner if you need it." Dave offered.

"No, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for three hours. Everything else is done."

"Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like four o'clock?"

"You know, Dave, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight."

"When in Rome." Diego commented. Dave looked pleadingly at Klaus to come up with a reason they had to leave. Klaus started working on one while Eudora conducted a tour for Luther and Allison.

"You have a preference? Upstairs first?" She asked again.

"Whatever you say, babe." Diego conceded.

"Follow me."

"Alright."

XXXXX

Some more time had passed, the osso buco was in the oven, and they were all sat around the living room, glasses of wine in hand. Not the wine that Klaus and Dave brought, of course. That was only good enough to cook with. It's not like the liquor store they stopped at had any quality wine like this one that Eudora probably got from the grocery store.

"How 'bout a toast? Shall I?" Diego asked the group. "Here's to good friends." Eudora clinked her glass against Diego's. Everyone said cheers. Eudora waved her glass around, pretending to clink glasses with everyone else, but not even close enough to make contact.

"Mmm." Diego moaned, taking a sip of his wine. "Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth."

"What was that?" Klaus asked, not believing what he had just heard come out of his brother's mouth. Diego must not have heard him because he didn't clarify or correct himself.

"So, music?" Eudora asked to break the silence that had fallen over them after Diego's wine comment. "Should we turn on some music?"

"That sounds good."

"We can do that." Eudora stood up from where she was sitting in Diego's lap to head over to the stereo. "Do you guys remember my old partner, Beaman? He is an excellent songwriter. Wait till you hear this. Okay, here we go." She popped a CD into the disk port and pressed a few buttons, some music coming out of the speakers eventually.

_You took me by the hand,_

_made me a man._

_That one night, one night,_

_you made everything all right._

_So raw, so right,_

_all night, all right,_

_oh yeah, oh yeah._

Eudora was dancing awkwardly around the room and clapping off beat. She took Klaus's hand, trying to get him to dance with her, but he stayed where he was sitting. Instead, she spun herself under his outstretched, stationary arm as the music continued and no one knew what to do or what was going on. As the guitar solo came, she sat back in Diego's lap.

"You know what, Beaman was a terrible partner. That is why Carmichael fired him."

"He's probably just about as reliable as Dave, being that it usually takes you weeks to solve a case." Eudora fired unprovoked. She knew Dave was a detective in the same precinct that she and Diego worked in. And he was just fine. What did she think was so wrong with him?

"Sometimes I think he holds onto evidence." Allison chimed in, side-eyeing Dave. Why was she ganging up on him now, too? She wasn't even in law enforcement. Dave looked at her in awe. 

XXXXX

"I don't care what they say about me." Dave whispered loudly. "I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party."

XXXXX

Now they were playing charades, and it was Luther's turn to act something out.

"Cow." Eudora guessed.

"No, it's a... hump." Luther explained, gesturing to his back in a semi-circular motion. "There's a hump." He breathed in, holding his fingers to his mouth like he was holding a cigarette.

"Joe Camel. Joe Camel!" Eudora called out.

"Yes! Okay, yes. First name of that animal, and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital." Luther hinted at some more clues to help them figure out who he was supposed to be.

"Montana." Dave thought out loud. "Joe Montana?"

"Yes! Yes!" Luther exclaimed.

"Time, time." Klaus interrupted, checking his watch. Everyone cheered that someone finally guessed the correct answer. Diego groaned that he didn't get it first, but he never even tried guessing. 

"Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?" Dave asked, to pretty much no one, as no one was paying attention to him anymore.

"Alright, my-my-my-my turn! My-my-my-my turn! My-my-my-my turn!" Diego sang, punctuating the end of each phrase with a series of irregular claps.

"Babe, can you just, like, really-whoa. You're just, like, really..."

"What? What?"

"...hyped up. Can you just simmer down? Seriously."

"I'm just making people laugh."

"No."

"Yes. I was watching Klaus's face." Diego defended.

"I was watching Klaus." Eudora countered. 

"And he was laughing." Klaus was not laughing. He sat there staring into space wondering when this night of hell would end.

"No smile." Eudora continued.

"Look at him. He's laughing." Still not laughing.

XXXXX

"Diego and Eudora seem to be playing their own separate game. And it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests.' And they're both winning. So, I am going to make a run for it." Klaus took out his phone and began dialing a number.

XXXXX

He came back to the living room where everyone still was. "You'll never guess. I just got a message from my landlord. Apparently, my apartment flooded. Something with the sprinkler."

"Oh no!" Eudora cried. Dave smirked quietly, noticing Klaus's plan to get them to leave.

"Dave, we should probably get going and see the damage."

"Okay." Dave said, standing up to go.

"You don't need two of you to do that." Diego mentioned.

Klaus stared across the room at Dave in disbelief. "That's true." He said slowly, starting to put his coat on. "Um, dinner sounded delicious. Dave, I'll see you at home. Thank you so much." Klaus turned to go but Dave called out and stopped him.

"Oh, Klaus, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself." He said, referring to himself metaphorically.

"I don't know, because everything I own is there." Klaus explained.

"You can buy new stuff, but you can't buy a new party." Dave retaliated. He did not want to be left alone here to fend for himself while Klaus got to sit home in the peace and quiet. That was not going to fly.

"That's true." Diego pointed out. "That is a great point. Come on down here." Diego took Klaus's coat back off of him and hung it up in the closet. Klaus stared at Dave again, not believing that he had to stay here.

"Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends. We are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed. All right?" Diego comforted him.

"Diego, you're up." Luther said, referring back to the charades game they left hanging.

Diego picked up a card with his clue on it, setting it face down on the table so no one could see it. "Here we go. This is gonna be fun. Ready?"

Luther looked at his watch, ready to time Diego. "Go!"

"Alright, first name is Tom."

"No, no, no, no names." Eudora protested. "No names, no rhyming, no soundalikes."

"Alright, okay. You're getting into my head!" Diego huffed. "First name is blank and he goes on a cruise. He goes on a Caribbean cruuuise."

"I don't know." Allison said.

"Katie Holmes." Klaus guessed.

"No, ah! But he's married to her!"

"Dawson's Creek."

"No! No! It has to be a real person, Klaus! Come on! Okay. No, no, I'm gonna pass. I'm gonna pass." Diego took another card from the pile, reading the name again. "Uh... okay, um, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger."

"No rhyming!" Eudora yelled again.

"Not really a rhyme." Klaus noted.

"Another clue!" Allison called out.

"Okay, he's the governor of California. He is the Terminator." Diego lists off.

"Those aren't helpful." Allison complains.

"Tom Cruise!" Klaus guesses.

"No! God!"

"Time!" Luther ends the round.

"Does anybody read the paper?!" Diego complained.

XXXXX

Their charades game has sadly come to an end, and they're all sitting in silence, waiting for dinner to finally be ready. Dave is rubbing his arms, trying to generate warmth from the friction. Diego stands up, taking his jacket off and draping it over Dave's shoulders. Eudora eyes them carefully. 

"Thank you."

"Oh, you're welcome."

"I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here." She points out. The, um... sliding glass door shattered. So..."

"It's okay." Dave said. Eudora never averted her gaze, making him shift uncomfortably in his seat.

"It's actually a really cute story. Do you want to tell it, babe, or should I tell it?" She asked Diego.

"I don't like that story, babe."

"Come on! It's a cute stor- Diego ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the police sirens." She said, laughing.

"Stop! Stop it! I mean, I like solving crime. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue. She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible." Diego said pointedly.

"You are so right. You are so right! Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges!" Diego groaned at her defense. "And I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil!" Eudora stuck her fingers on top of her head like devil horns. Diego laughed incredulously.

"You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Ah, I'm burning. Help me."

"You shouldn't joke about that." Allison scolded.

"Is there more wine in the kitchen?" Dave asked, desperate to be anywhere else.

"I will get it. I will get it." Eudora stood up to resume her hostess duties, which she wasn't very good at in the first place. "What kind of hostess would I be-"

"I don't mind." Dave butted in.

"No, no, no." She protested. "In fact, you know what? Significant others' trip. Allison, come on. SO's trip." Allison rolled her eyes but went with them anyway.

XXXXX

Eudora checked the osso buco in the oven as Dave and Allison stood around the island, pouring more wine. "Oh, not even close." She slammed the oven door closed.

"So, you keep a very tidy house." Allison noticed.

"You should see our bathroom after Diego takes a bath. Whew! But I don't have to tell you, Dave."

"No. Yeah. W-what?" Dave realized what she had said, and it had taken him aback.

"Oh, well, don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated."

"Oh, are-are you joking?"

"Well, Diego told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him." Eudora condescended.

"I have never, ever dated or wanted to do anything resembling dating Diego, ever." Dave explained. "Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever."

"I've noticed how you look at him when you're home with Klaus." Allison lied. Dave shot her a death glare. Eudora sipped her wine, not saying anything else about it. As far as she was concerned, she had won that one, whether it was true or not. It was some weird power trip Dave noticed that she was on tonight. He hadn't really seen her like this before at work. 

XXXXX

Diego had taken his brothers into the garage, where he had transformed it into a makeshift home gym. "So, I spend most of my time right here." He pointed to a hand-shaped chair he probably bought at a yard sale. "Have a hand. So, Klaus, I noticed you checking out Eudora's police work board."

"Oh, no, she just put it right in front of my face." Klaus denied as he sat down in a hand.

"Yeah. You know that police work is the number one fastest-growing occupation in the city? Two-billion-dollar-a-year industry. And for only ten thousand dollars, you could become a co-owner of her private investigator business. What do you think about that?"

"Thought about it. I'm in." Luther said. 

"I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Eudora's company?" Klaus clarified.

Diego was quiet for a while. "I'm sorry." Then the doorbell rang. "What now?"

XXXXX

"Coming!" Eudora called to the door, just as she was opening it. 

"Hello." On the other side of the door was Vanya and Leonard, carrying a bottle of wine, two glasses, and some food. Dave and Allison looked at the doorway in disbelief. Dave was excited that something was finally happening. 

"What are you doing here?" Eudora asked. Diego came in from the garage to join her.

"We came here to eat dinner and to party." Leonard explained. "This is a dinner party, right?"

"Awesome!" Dave whispered. 

"What is he doing here?" Eudora asked pointedly at Diego.

"Yes, what are you doing here?" Allison joined in. She still didn't trust Leonard. 

"Vanya is my sister."

"We weren't invited?" Leonard whispered to Vanya. She scoffed. 

"You said that I could not invite Vanya because she was not part of a couple. And because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Vanya brought glasses and her new boyfriend." Diego tried to convince Eudora.

"Fine. Whatever you want. Just like always. Whatever you want."

"Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want."

"It's fine." Eudora crossed her arms over her chest.

"When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?"

"We saw Wi-"

"When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't want kids, who had it reversed back? Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap! I did!"

"Okay..."

"You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children."

"I am sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world. Okay? But look-"

"I'm sorry too."

"If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. Let's have a fuckin' kid!"

"Do you mean it? You want to have a kid?"

Eudora sighed and put her hand on her forehead like she was getting a headache. "I hate my life." She said as she walked away, presumably to the kitchen.

"So, can we come in?" Vanya asked, still standing in the doorway.

XXXXX

Now, everyone was sat at the dinner table, Leonard eating some of the food he and Vanya had brought with them for some reason. "Mmm, great turkey leg."

"Okay, I'm just gonna go check on dinner." Eudora got up from the table, her chair squeaking and adding to the awkward tension that filled the room. Her voice indicated that she was still upset. 

"Allison, would you like some of my beet salad?" Leonard asked. 

"I hate beet salad."

"It's actually really good." Vanya noted.

"Hey, hey, hey. I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times."

"The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit." She said finally.

"Dave," Diego whispered across the table, "I hope she didn't do anything to the food."

"Like-like what?"

"I can't prove it... but I think she might be trying to poison me." Dave looked at him with shock written all over his face as Eudora came back, plates of food in hand. She set the first two in front of Diego and Dave. "Hey, looks great babe."

"Yeah, it really does." Luther chimed in.

XXXXX

"I know Eudora didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone a that table, wouldn't it be me? Diego's former lover." Dave asked.

XXXXX

Dinner was served and they were eating quietly, not having much to say after witnessing that weird argument just moments ago. Diego cut off a bit of meat, stuck it with his fork, and dunked it in his wine before eating it. 

"Can you not do that? It's disgusting." Eudora asked.

"You know I have soft teeth. How could you say that?"

"Oops."

Diego dropped his silverware onto his plate, letting the metal clang against the glassware. "Excuse me for a second." He stood up from his chair and disappeared.

"So," Klaus started, "how do you guys know each other?" He asked Vanya.

"I was his violin teacher." She answered.

"And now you guys are dating?" Dave clarified.

"It's purely carnal, and that's all you need to know." Leonard added before Vanya could say anything else.

"Would you write down your email? Because I have just so many questions." Klaus asked Leonard.

"Email?"

"Never mind."

"Okay." Diego said to himself as he reentered the dining room, a giant neon boxing sign in hand. "Alright. There we go." He took off a painting that was hanging on the wall, laying it down on the floor, replacing it with said sign, plugging it in, and turning on the blinding lights. "Okay."

"That's nice." Luther said.

"Everybody enjoying their meal?" Diego asked. The sign was so loud that Eudora could hear its electricity buzzing from all the way across the room. 

"Hey, babe."

"Yeah?"

"How 'bout we take the boxing sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it?" 

"No. No, I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together." He explained with a mouth full of food.

"Okay!" Eudora said without missing a beat and left the table. She went over to the stereo and put the awful music back on. 

"Eudora thinks Beaman's very talented!" He had to yell over the loud volume Eudora set it to. "You know what? I don't think he's that good."

"At least he's an artist."

"BFD. I'm a vigilante."

"And I'm a detective, but you don't hear me bragging about it!"

"No, all you do is you get me to try to work on my rich siblings."

"For an investment opportunity!"

"Man, I would love to burn your police board!"

"You burn it, you buy it!"

"Oh, good, I'll be your first customer!"

"You're hardly my first."

"That's what she said!" Diego screamed exasperatedly. The music continued on in the background, not really matching the mood of the evening. Eudora went over to the bookshelf where Diego's knives were displayed and picked one up. She chucked it as hard as she could at the plasma screen TV, shattering the screen. Diego finally got up from his place at the head of the table to see the damage. "That is a two-hundred-dollar plasma screen TV you just killed! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe!" Eudora started crying and ran out of the room, slamming a door behind her.

"I'm gonna get going." Vanya said. She really didn't like loud noises and fighting.

"Fine, get out of here." Luther commented.

"It's getting late." Klaus noted.

"Yeah." Dave agreed.

"You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon." Diego said, but they all left anyway.

As they walked through the front door, they came upon some police who were called to investigate a domestic dispute. "Of course." Klaus said sarcastically.

"Uh, uh, uh, get out of my way." Leonard pushed past the other dinner party guests to be the first one to speak to the cops. "I'll take care of this. Okay, what seems to be the problem, officers?"

"Not now, Harold. We got a call about a disturbance." The cop said.

"No, nope. Nothing disturbing here." Diego lied. "Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party."

"Your neighbors say they heard some shouting."

"Oh, yes, there was screaming, but, um... my girlfriend threw a knife at my TV. A plasma."

"Do you want to press charges?"

"Would she get into trouble?" Diego asked stupidly, but he never graduated from the police academy.

"Yeah, she'd be charged." The cop explained.

"I will take the fall. I did it."

The other cop chimed in. "You know, you don't have to press charges. You could just try to be more quiet."

"Diego!" Eudora came running through the doorway. "Diego. What-what are you doing to him?"

"Sir, do you have any other place you could stay? Maybe with one of your friends here?"

"Diego can come home with me." Luther clapped a large hand on his brother's shoulder. 

"Klaus? Dave?" Diego asked for any other options. He didn't like Luther, obviously, but he didn't want to stay here with Eudora anymore either.

"Oh, my apartment's on fire." Klaus explained.

"Flooded." Dave corrected him.

"You people! You're sleeping with me." Luther said, trying to be the leader and take charge.

"No."

"I'm gonna take you home."

"No."

"Come with me."

Diego looked over at a teary-eyed Eudora, still standing in the doorway. "Alright." He caved. Luther began leading him back to his car.

"Bye, babe!" Eudora called out behind him.

XXXXX

"This is the best donut I've ever had, babe." Dave said, as they were sat in Griddy's parking lot going through a box of assorted donuts.

"You know, babe... I should have told you, but I did something bad." Klaus admitted. He held up Beaman's CD that Eudora had been playing all night. "I stole this. For you, babe." Dave laughed. Klaus popped it into the car's CD player and sang along.

"You took me by the hand, made me a man. That one night..."

"One night!" Dave joined in as Klaus's backup singer.

"I love that."

XXXXX

Luther was driving Diego back to the Hargreeves house where he would stay for the night instead of going back to presumably fight with Eudora some more, and disturb their neighbors again.

Vanya caught up with Leonard again. They were also sitting in Griddy's donuts, but across the parking lot from Klaus and Dave. Neither of them knew they were both there. And if either of them actually did, they wouldn't say anything. The only topic of conversation they had in common was the weird night they all witnessed, but that deserved to be long repressed and forgotten. Leonard leaned over in his seat and took a sip of Vanya's coffee. Disgusted, she rolled down the car window and dumped it down the side of the door.

Eudora stayed home, watching the broken TV and trying to glue back together Diego's knife, as when she threw it, the blade disconnected from the hilt. It kept falling apart in her hands.

By the time Luther got to the house, Diego was asleep in the passenger seat, exhausted from his night of aggressively acting like everything was okay, and then the loud outbursts that came after their act fell apart.


End file.
